This is open. This is uncut. You'll see why.

[timberwolfoz]

Per cluegirl's post, referencing the ultimate end to yet another bullying incident ending in suicide here.

Like many of you, I was one of those bullied girls. Because I was 'weird'. Because I was fat. Because I was smart. Because I was crap at sports. Because I was an SF/fantasy fan. Because I just didn't fit in.

I had teachers ignore it. Or be the bullies themselves. Or tell me "well, it's because you're different."

I got through it. I had teachers in higher grades who were different and thrived on it. Or encouraged me to be as smart as I could possibly be.

Uni helped. I found people I could fit in with. I saw the people who were, if not with the popular crowd, at least accepted, floundering because they were in a big wide world where no-one cared that they were x's daughter or y's sister.

Fandom helped. Even pre-internet.

But somehow the bullies were still there. People who thought it was fun to hide my bag before class. People who thought it was fun to spread rumours about my sexuality, years before I realised I was bi. Bosses who thought I was good to bully because I was young and keen and needed the job. And it built up their own self esteem because they knew they were doing a shitty job, or in a corporation with a bullying culture.

So called 'friends' who pushed their issues on to me and then blamed me for them. Or cut me because their friends did. Or who allowed me to let my guard down and trust them, then turn around and lash out to cover their own issues.

Despite it all, I still believe, in the face of much evidence, that people are good and only want to do good. Because I've found people out there who do just that, and are just that. Both people online who I've never met and may never meet, and people I've met and continue to meet IRL.

And I'm working to fix myself, and will shortly be going to work in a profession where I will be helping others. And like as not, I'll have people walking through the door who went through what I went through, and like my therapist, will be watching a woman or man in their forties turn into a sobbing wreck of a 5, 10 or 15 year old again. And I'll be able to say, "I know. I've been where you've been, and it sucks. And we're going to work on healing this hurt and heal it together."

And to all those bullies out there: to the girl who pushed me away from the painting group because I was young and visiting and didn't know the rules, to the teachers who thought it was great to take out their self-esteem issues on a scared, vulnerable little girl who was raised to be polite and compliant, to the classmates who thought it was fun to torments someone who was 'different', to the 'friends' who for reasons of their own decided to turn on me and use intimate knowledge of me to cut me down, to the bosses and supervisors who decided to take advantage of someone who was vulnerable and needed a job/and or the money, right down to my ex-fiancee who decided, in a period of deep vulnerablility and pain, and KNOWING about my self esteem issues, still had no hesitation at pointing out some of my mannerisms and habits as 'faults' that I should correct (and yeah, how am I supposed to eat with my mouth closed when I'VE GOT A COLD THAT MAKES ME WANT TO CURL UP IN A CORNER AND TELL THE WORLD TO GO AWAY AND I CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH MY FREAKING NOSE?) ...

FUCK YOU ALL. JUST FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR. AND BY GOD I HOPE KARMA CATCHES UP WITH YOU BUT GOOD.

Comments

[ithildyn.livejournal.com]

[hugs] Bullies, and the teachers that encouraged them, were the reason I quite school at 16. I'm in my 40s now and still have issues over what happened.

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry that your education was cut short. But then some of the cleverest people I know left school then and educated themselves through reading -- and probably better than through the predigested pap of approved school texts.

It hangs on, doesn't it? I hope you find the help you need to get past it. 30+ years is way too long.

[snapelike.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I could have written that (except I was extremely thin and decided when I left secondary school that this would never, ever happen to me again); I suppose that maybe 2/3ds of my f-list could. Strange how a well-developed imagination and some IQ triggers this... appalling pack-behaviour of the lesser gifted. *shakes head*

I am sorry that you had to go through that; it never really leaves you...

As for karma... it does. The person I truly hate from then has the most awful life, none of her dreams fulfilled but dangling temptingly just in front of her. Everybody hates her and she never gets any. Hah. :D

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

*hugs hard back*

*nods* The worst of it was in primary school but it just kept happening when I didn't expect it. Fundemental sign to do work on myself to stop bringing the pattern up again. And yeah, an awful lot of my f-list has lived through stuff like this. As you said, pack-behaviour of the lowest common denominator.

Fortunately, awareness is being raised, both in the workplace and in school, through incidents just like Phoebe Prince, God rest her soul. And people are beginning to say "this is not right. We will not put up with this."

Oh, yes. Or they find themselves married and with a couple of kids and realise, hey, they're not the princess anymore, and what's more, they're ten pounds overweight and their roots are showing and they can't afford nice clothes because they have to pay the mortgage and their husband's having an affair with a work colleague... or their job gets yanked out from under them by another bully higher up the pole.

As for your erstwhile tormenter, what a beautiful case of karma. I try not to be vindictive, but... ha ha ha ha ha.

[snapelike.livejournal.com]

The bad thing about the Phoebe case is that it is only the beginning. We've all seen how evil and vindictive people who are supposed to be adults behave in here. Do I need mention Fandom Wank? Some of my friends have lost their job and got their names and adresses blasted out in the open thanks to them, but... Yeah. It's never going to stop unless drastic measures are taken. The internet has not been good in that regard because things go furter and there is no peaceful place to go to.

Hyaenas, basically...

As for your erstwhile tormenter, what a beautiful case of karma. I try not to be vindictive, but... ha ha ha ha ha.

I think I love you. :D I think it's okay that one wouldn't even piss on them, were they on fire. I can add to this that the girl wanted to be a jockey, got too fat - and *my* best friend then got the rides and the generous prize money that she would have liked. *smirks* She now has a close connection with a broom and a very large pile of horse manure instead... :D:D:D

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, and one of the comments in the article was 'she was going with someone else's boyfriend. What did she expect?' To be bullied to the point of suicide? No.

Oh, God, Fandom Wank. The only use that place is is for exposing bullies and serial users in turn, such as that bitch who posted in holmeswatson_09 that all fic posted there should live up to her standards and the Victoria Bitter case. Otherwise... *facepalms*

And lost their jobs and been outed? Ack.

And that's glorious, that your best friend picked up the goodies your erstwhile tormenter wanted (and being the type she was, I'll bet getting fat alone was the worst thing that could have happened to her, losing the chance to ride aside). O Fortuna, velut luna...

[illgetmerope.livejournal.com]

*hugs* my issues look to be about the same as yours, but I was very lucky to go to a highschool where most people were weird and it was awesome to be different. Doesn't mean I'm not chock full of issues, but I am better for it.

Thank you for admitting this, and for showing me that other people feel the same.

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm glad that you got to go to a school where being weird was awesome. Though as I said above to snapetoy much of the worst damage was in junior school; secondary was a rest by comparison.

I'm so glad that my post can help you. *hugs again*

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

Just remember: They have to live their whole lives being them, knowing they are them. You get to live your life being you. I know which I'd pick, and it sucks to be them.

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

Ah, but do they know they're them?

Funny thing is: in later years both of the kids who bullied me in primary school were quite friendly with me in secondary school, one quite friendly -- I was stunned when she said she liked me. Absolutely no memory with either of them of what they'd put me though. Eh, well...

Allow me to quote... Well... Me.

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

[lavendertook.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Member of the tribe. I wasn't a prime target because I was good at hiding, and disappearing into the woodwork. Fighting back never occurred to me until college, and I didn't really start to develop the fighter part of me until I had left home and had some safe space from the bully who raised me. I think I was lucky with pretty good teachers through secondary school, college, and my first MA who didn't encourage the bullies.

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I didn't know, but given the odds it doesn't surprise me.

Fighting back is still an instinct I've yet to really develop -- I have lashed out when cornered (and thank God was never punished for it) but the default instinct is still freeze.

I'm actually seeing my therapist this morning: guess what we're discussing! :)

[crevette.livejournal.com]

I hear you so well.

And yet they all want to be my "friend" on Facebook twenty-five years later. What the hell is up with that?

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

They're sub evolved species?

*offers hugs*

[mcicioni.livejournal.com]

*holds you close*

I knew a tiny bit of what you told in your post, but did not know that it went on for so long and that it cut so deep.

Being wronged can make some people suspicious and cynical for the rest of their lives. I know a few of these. This did NOT happen to you - it gave you empathy and humour and the ability to get close to people. That's why there are many people who like you and who rejoice at you having at last got to a place where you can help others.

*hugs you gently*